muddled

so many thoughts and emotions I can’t distinguish between them…muddled inside my entire being…that knot at the back of the throat…that need to cry…except, I can’t…at least not at this moment…so…a breath in…and an appreciation for the fact that I can cry…for about a decade I couldn’t…not wouldn’t…couldn’t…misdiagnosed and over medicated I was so numb…so exhausted…to cry ONE tear I would watch the saddest movies…but it was always only a tear that would surface…now that is misery…numbness doesn’t take emotions away…it simply hides them…hides them deep inside while the body feels the effects of them…fighting to be free but locked, in chains, to unmovable boulders created ages ago that have sprouted roots reaching the center of the earth…inter-twining and locking the boulder into place…so I will breathe and appreciate this muddled-ness…being able to feel…being able to cry like a baby who’s needs are not being met when even the sappiest of Disney commercials come on…to weep during sad movies…to weep when those muddled moments come I, randomly, can

my apologies…

I want to apologize for my last post under ‘Deep Thoughts’…first I want to clarify that, for me, ignorance is not stupidity nor an insult….it is simply a lack of education on a topic that can always be remedied by choosing to educate oneself…education does not always change your opinion…but from that point forward, you have true and solid backing for your belief…it’s your belief and not your family’s, the media’s, your peer’s…NOW, I want to apologize for my statement…as I observe the news, social media posts, people’s comments on politics I have come to the realization that the majority of citizens want the same thing: human rights, equal rights, peace and truth; yes, the balance of which or the definition of which is and always will be up for debate BUT for the most part we all lean towards the same goals…what is happening is we are caught up in the fight between parties, political system ideas/threats by those parties and people in power which is fueled by the media (do some research…most news outlets are owned by the same families and intertwine somehow with one another) and then the media bombards us 24/7 with their agenda…so, we get caught in the middle…fighting and taking sides when what needs to happen is we say NO…we do not give our energies to those in power, to those in the media…but we give our energies to one another and ask one another questions and LISTEN…and breathe, finding common ground and understanding…if we each step in that direction, like a domino effect as we continue to listen, talk, travel, grow, reach out with love we will start to see true change in this country that is not political party, political system or the rich/powerful related but is HUMAN (citizen) related…so my apologies for falling into that trap of fear and anger due to the hype of the media and politicians…let’s stop pointing fingers, being defensive, living in a state of fear…and start at home with change: listening, asking questions, finding common ground…let us see where that step takes us…it is like the lyric from the song Head Full of Doubt, Road Full of Promise by The Avette Brothers: “… and your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected…” because, it honestly doesn’t…love and peace to all💕

Reframe…

I have social anxiety and random bouts struggling with agoraphobia….but I absolutely love people, the outside world, interacting with others. I have sensory deprivation issues where it can be so extreme that the sound of my own eating really gets on my nerves, I gag with a small bite of carrot cake in my mouth (too many different textures) or I find pork rotten because I’m sensitive to the adrenaline released at the time of death of an animal in fear… but I love music and the sense of hearing, the way a good dry piece of roast tastes in my mouth and if you took the carrot cake apart, all of those ingredients are simply divine and must be savored with your eyes closed and a moan of “this flavor is beyond heaven”. I have clinical depression and at times it seems debilitating and like it will be the death of me…but without it I could never see the true beauty of life, I would never see the light and how pure and peaceful it is. Without these dark parts of my life, I would never be the abstract thinker who falls in love with life, kind/honest/quirky people, nature, and the teachings of Jesus the way I’ve been blessed and privileged to fall in love. What you might feel is a burden in your life, may actually be your greatest blessing. Take a breath and reframe it. Then give thanks for that beautiful curse that’s truly your own unique gift.