a minute in the mind of darkness…

This is what living with mental illness feels like:

I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit.

I am not going to quit.

…count…

what in the hell am i doing here…a rollercoaster in my heart and a pinball machine in my head…the rich controlling the narrative of the world…the famous chanting them on…lovers lucky to have one another…a wanderer walking this earth, alone, it feels is, my destiny…wise enough to know the rich are miserable beings…the famous lost…lovers feeling alone, isolated…want to scream but a release would not be the gift…counting blessings…literally…grateful im aware of that necessary act that carries one from dark moment to the other…i do not like this pain in my heart…palpable…heavy as if buried by the weight of the sea…this day, it is harsh…wise enough to know it will pass…human enough to feel it’s pain scraping like nails across a chalkboard on my heart, my mind…grateful i know how to count….

muddled

so many thoughts and emotions I can’t distinguish between them…muddled inside my entire being…that knot at the back of the throat…that need to cry…except, I can’t…at least not at this moment…so…a breath in…and an appreciation for the fact that I can cry…for about a decade I couldn’t…not wouldn’t…couldn’t…misdiagnosed and over medicated I was so numb…so exhausted…to cry ONE tear I would watch the saddest movies…but it was always only a tear that would surface…now that is misery…numbness doesn’t take emotions away…it simply hides them…hides them deep inside while the body feels the effects of them…fighting to be free but locked, in chains, to unmovable boulders created ages ago that have sprouted roots reaching the center of the earth…inter-twining and locking the boulder into place…so I will breathe and appreciate this muddled-ness…being able to feel…being able to cry like a baby who’s needs are not being met when even the sappiest of Disney commercials come on…to weep during sad movies…to weep when those muddled moments come I, randomly, can

Reframe…

I have social anxiety and random bouts struggling with agoraphobia….but I absolutely love people, the outside world, interacting with others. I have sensory deprivation issues where it can be so extreme that the sound of my own eating really gets on my nerves, I gag with a small bite of carrot cake in my mouth (too many different textures) or I find pork rotten because I’m sensitive to the adrenaline released at the time of death of an animal in fear… but I love music and the sense of hearing, the way a good dry piece of roast tastes in my mouth and if you took the carrot cake apart, all of those ingredients are simply divine and must be savored with your eyes closed and a moan of “this flavor is beyond heaven”. I have clinical depression and at times it seems debilitating and like it will be the death of me…but without it I could never see the true beauty of life, I would never see the light and how pure and peaceful it is. Without these dark parts of my life, I would never be the abstract thinker who falls in love with life, kind/honest/quirky people, nature, and the teachings of Jesus the way I’ve been blessed and privileged to fall in love. What you might feel is a burden in your life, may actually be your greatest blessing. Take a breath and reframe it. Then give thanks for that beautiful curse that’s truly your own unique gift.