Tag: #lostinthought

Another Being

Sometimes the loneliness I feel is so strong it seems as though it is another being in and of itself… Tied to me… So strong it seems like my soul is reaching out and has already found my other half before the rest of me has and is saying “he’s right there…he’s right there”…

But… I’m not sure I believe in soulmates and other halves anymore…

Where I’ve been has not been of The Light… That wonderment and excitement at the idea of another half, my half, my partner has diminished… Not extinguished…

So in an effort to keep that beautiful hope alive and inextinguishable… I will wait… Wait on The Light…

I’d rather feel the lonely and be alone than be with another and have the wonderment and excitement extinguished…

A Dog’s POV

When I have days where I’m basically grazing all day long, I wonder what my dog thinks of me everytime I get a new snack. Is she thinking: she wishes she were a human, it’s not fair, that I’m starving her, it doesn’t faze her, counting how many snacks I’ve eaten and rolling her eyes, in her next life wanting to be the human and me the dog cuz she would totally share if she were the human. What goes through their beautiful minds?

Unheard Unseen

With interruptions and snap assumptions, I realize most do not know me. Know who I am. People close to me. Family. Close friends. An idea of me has been formed and cemented in their minds. I can speak words but am not heard. I behave as me. I can grow. I can change. I allow Him to refine and strengthen my roots and branches. But the idea of me formed in my darkness is what others forever see. And; it is okay.

I just hope and pray that I do not do the same to others. True self unheard and unseen can be lonely. I don’t want others to feel alone because of me.

…

I have to constantly remind myself of who I am… And who I am not… I live with quite a few health issues which zap my energy… I am always in a mode of conservation so that I am able to live a life of some quality and be something more than a chronic napper for my daughter… I deal with mental illness as well but that is not a hindrance to me anymore… I’ve found the right combination of meds, exercise and meditation to make me “normal” in that department… My physical health, though, is a rollercoaster ride… And it’s exhausting, humbling, degrading… I live in a world of doubts and doubters… Always questioning if “I am authentic in my illness”… Fortunately this doubt is not from my doctor and his team… They actually remind me that it isn’t made up and I’m not crazy… It comes from those around me… And… I’m just worn the fuck out, to be honest… I’m not sure why I am making this post except to get these feelings outside of myself… I hate this… I hate feeling like shit and pushing through anyways… I hate conservation mode… I hate being questioned about the legitimacy of how I feel… I hate that my entire being loves to work, be busy, be active, be with people but I simply cannot… I hate having to remind myself that this is real, that it’s ok, and that I am better… I hate that the plans I made for just my summer have been upended because of a new health issue brought on by the heat… I hate making plans because they tend to fall through… And I really really hate the doubters… I have enough on my plate without your constant skepticism and negativity…

And that’s how I feel… And it will pass… Because I have thick skin and I’m a fucking warrior… I will dust myself off… Hold tight to my faith… Remind myself of the progress… Find goodness in all things… And make new plans, again… And push on…

And I will recover one day… And, hopefully, bring comfort to others who are fighting the same fight… Not alone

a choice of goodness

Everyone has goodness inside… It is a choice… To be kind… To be humble… To be understanding… To be better… One just needs to decide and then act… Knowing that some days will be good and other days will be horrible… Keep in mind the Cha Cha Cha… Two steps forward and one step back… But always progressing onward…

Desire

I err in where I put trust… Always against my gut instinct… Trying to understand myself and why I have this contradicting behavior, I have come to believe it is because I desire to trust others, humans, and not that I don’t trust my gut instinct… Desire can steer us wrong, me wrong, on many levels… We attribute desire primarily to a sexual appetite… However, desire appears and disappears for many reasons… I mustn’t allow desire to steer the wheel…. Often times it’s one of two things: simply the wrong direction, or it creates a direction that will be a difficult difficult path to take (sometimes a rewarded end and sometimes a need for reversal)… I only need to trust One, in reality… He is always the same and His words are love… As for humans, I must learn to listen and respect my gut — not placing trust in some while accepting that is ok, and with peace and gratitude allowing myself to have trust in a small few while being kind to us both, during tough times, as we are all human

… opening up

It’s both easy and difficult for me to open up to others… Easy because I’m an open book… I’ve got nothing to hide and willing to share… Difficult because I feel exposed and vulnerable… I struggle, after opening up, with a sort of guilt… Wishing I kept my darkness and my chaos to myself… Disgusted that I wasn’t strong enough to hold it all in and “deal”… I always find myself apologizing for burdening another…

It’s an unhealthy wish, but I wish I would just be quite and handle my darkness on my own

…a simple unrequited resolution

i want to matter… to have worth… worth that is real and not simply spoken… worth… caught in the crossfires of your stupidity, mistaken identity and a plea of “it is me”, a realization from you… inspiring change… change in you and changes in others… not simply words spoken… i want to live where i matter and where i am loved… loved in actions and not simply in words

an unrequited resolution…