Patience

Sarah was impatient… Look at what it caused… Moses was impatient… Look at what it cost him… I was impatient… Creating a life of pain and chaos… Delaying God’s plan for me… The Lord is worthy of patience… He is also the source of strength as you wait… I will wait… I prefer His plans, His path for me, over mine… I make messes… He creates beauty

… opening up

It’s both easy and difficult for me to open up to others… Easy because I’m an open book… I’ve got nothing to hide and willing to share… Difficult because I feel exposed and vulnerable… I struggle, after opening up, with a sort of guilt… Wishing I kept my darkness and my chaos to myself… Disgusted that I wasn’t strong enough to hold it all in and “deal”… I always find myself apologizing for burdening another…

It’s an unhealthy wish, but I wish I would just be quite and handle my darkness on my own

when you Pray

when you pray, you must be ready for the answer… when you pray “Lord, use me as You see fit. For Your Will.”, you need to be ready for what comes… when you pray, ” Lord, let all that is hidden be made known.”, you better be ready for what is revealed and the timing of each step of the reveal…

what we forget is that as the answer flows, we still have God… no matter how ugly, terrifying, life changing and heart breaking His answer is… when you pray, add to your prayer “Lord, and whatever may come, I pray that You shield me/us under Your wings. I ask that You guide us on how to react, on how to respond. I ask that You guide us towards healing. Helping us lower our egos, our pride, ourselves. Lifting You. Shielded by You. Healed.”

In Jesus’s name, Amen

…limited sight

Most only think and form views within a limited span of time… 100 years forward and 300 years backwards… Truth is that it, injustice, is not a racial problem stemming from the white man towards the black man… It is not Christian vs Muslim vs Hindu vs Buddhist et al… It is not male vs female… Rather it stems from greed, hate or misguided faith… Or all three… Humans have battled for thousands of years… Tables turning as if locked in a dance of rituals… If your sight is limited, the dance will never change… The leading partner simply flips only to be flipped back within a few generations… For change to come in this world, be of good value as well as root itself within its people, we must have better vision… See and understand our entire history while thinking many generations ahead… Understanding instead of blaming… Loving, truly loving, instead of hating… Seeking wisdom instead of knowledge

…count…

what in the hell am i doing here…a rollercoaster in my heart and a pinball machine in my head…the rich controlling the narrative of the world…the famous chanting them on…lovers lucky to have one another…a wanderer walking this earth, alone, it feels is, my destiny…wise enough to know the rich are miserable beings…the famous lost…lovers feeling alone, isolated…want to scream but a release would not be the gift…counting blessings…literally…grateful im aware of that necessary act that carries one from dark moment to the other…i do not like this pain in my heart…palpable…heavy as if buried by the weight of the sea…this day, it is harsh…wise enough to know it will pass…human enough to feel it’s pain scraping like nails across a chalkboard on my heart, my mind…grateful i know how to count….

what am i to learn…

i am well acquainted with darkness…the idea of death as a peaceful event…the majority of my life we walked side by side…as though twins-shadows of one another…darkness so dark it was akin to light…for me, that is…with this illness spreading throughout this earth like wild fire on the most windy of days, death now seems foreign to me and darkness is an entity from which I would like to be severed from…for now, at least…while i believe darkness to be a gift, it is a heavy gift to live with at the current moment…so i choose to learn…to become more acquainted with light and The Light…i choose to take this time…”sit” and get to know light…on an intimate level…one day the chaos of this will pass…i will welcome darkness back…but, in faith, i will carry with me light as well…both intimately…creating in me a more balanced being…for “I am a forest, and a night of dark trees: but he who is not afraid of my darkness, will find banks full of roses under my cypresses.” Friedrich Nietzsche Thus Spoke Zarathustra

muddled

so many thoughts and emotions I can’t distinguish between them…muddled inside my entire being…that knot at the back of the throat…that need to cry…except, I can’t…at least not at this moment…so…a breath in…and an appreciation for the fact that I can cry…for about a decade I couldn’t…not wouldn’t…couldn’t…misdiagnosed and over medicated I was so numb…so exhausted…to cry ONE tear I would watch the saddest movies…but it was always only a tear that would surface…now that is misery…numbness doesn’t take emotions away…it simply hides them…hides them deep inside while the body feels the effects of them…fighting to be free but locked, in chains, to unmovable boulders created ages ago that have sprouted roots reaching the center of the earth…inter-twining and locking the boulder into place…so I will breathe and appreciate this muddled-ness…being able to feel…being able to cry like a baby who’s needs are not being met when even the sappiest of Disney commercials come on…to weep during sad movies…to weep when those muddled moments come I, randomly, can

Reframe…

I have social anxiety and random bouts struggling with agoraphobia….but I absolutely love people, the outside world, interacting with others. I have sensory deprivation issues where it can be so extreme that the sound of my own eating really gets on my nerves, I gag with a small bite of carrot cake in my mouth (too many different textures) or I find pork rotten because I’m sensitive to the adrenaline released at the time of death of an animal in fear… but I love music and the sense of hearing, the way a good dry piece of roast tastes in my mouth and if you took the carrot cake apart, all of those ingredients are simply divine and must be savored with your eyes closed and a moan of “this flavor is beyond heaven”. I have clinical depression and at times it seems debilitating and like it will be the death of me…but without it I could never see the true beauty of life, I would never see the light and how pure and peaceful it is. Without these dark parts of my life, I would never be the abstract thinker who falls in love with life, kind/honest/quirky people, nature, and the teachings of Jesus the way I’ve been blessed and privileged to fall in love. What you might feel is a burden in your life, may actually be your greatest blessing. Take a breath and reframe it. Then give thanks for that beautiful curse that’s truly your own unique gift.

Just take a step…forward

How? How do you move through life…making choices…trying to be better…do better…when you’ve lost a decade…how do you trust your steps when the trust you had in everything and everyone had been stripped from you…without your consent…How? you look back…and you see…see God in those moments…see God carrying you through because through is where you’ve been…you’ve been in the fire…and you can see, now, that He carried you through…so you breathe…hold tight to faith in Him…and then you take a step…forward💖