Tag: crazyemotions

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I have to constantly remind myself of who I am… And who I am not… I live with quite a few health issues which zap my energy… I am always in a mode of conservation so that I am able to live a life of some quality and be something more than a chronic napper for my daughter… I deal with mental illness as well but that is not a hindrance to me anymore… I’ve found the right combination of meds, exercise and meditation to make me “normal” in that department… My physical health, though, is a rollercoaster ride… And it’s exhausting, humbling, degrading… I live in a world of doubts and doubters… Always questioning if “I am authentic in my illness”… Fortunately this doubt is not from my doctor and his team… They actually remind me that it isn’t made up and I’m not crazy… It comes from those around me… And… I’m just worn the fuck out, to be honest… I’m not sure why I am making this post except to get these feelings outside of myself… I hate this… I hate feeling like shit and pushing through anyways… I hate conservation mode… I hate being questioned about the legitimacy of how I feel… I hate that my entire being loves to work, be busy, be active, be with people but I simply cannot… I hate having to remind myself that this is real, that it’s ok, and that I am better… I hate that the plans I made for just my summer have been upended because of a new health issue brought on by the heat… I hate making plans because they tend to fall through… And I really really hate the doubters… I have enough on my plate without your constant skepticism and negativity…

And that’s how I feel… And it will pass… Because I have thick skin and I’m a fucking warrior… I will dust myself off… Hold tight to my faith… Remind myself of the progress… Find goodness in all things… And make new plans, again… And push on…

And I will recover one day… And, hopefully, bring comfort to others who are fighting the same fight… Not alone

when you Pray

when you pray, you must be ready for the answer… when you pray “Lord, use me as You see fit. For Your Will.”, you need to be ready for what comes… when you pray, ” Lord, let all that is hidden be made known.”, you better be ready for what is revealed and the timing of each step of the reveal…

what we forget is that as the answer flows, we still have God… no matter how ugly, terrifying, life changing and heart breaking His answer is… when you pray, add to your prayer “Lord, and whatever may come, I pray that You shield me/us under Your wings. I ask that You guide us on how to react, on how to respond. I ask that You guide us towards healing. Helping us lower our egos, our pride, ourselves. Lifting You. Shielded by You. Healed.”

In Jesus’s name, Amen

…a simple unrequited resolution

i want to matter… to have worth… worth that is real and not simply spoken… worth… caught in the crossfires of your stupidity, mistaken identity and a plea of “it is me”, a realization from you… inspiring change… change in you and changes in others… not simply words spoken… i want to live where i matter and where i am loved… loved in actions and not simply in words

an unrequited resolution…

a minute in the mind of darkness…

This is what living with mental illness feels like:

I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit.

I am not going to quit.

…count…

what in the hell am i doing here…a rollercoaster in my heart and a pinball machine in my head…the rich controlling the narrative of the world…the famous chanting them on…lovers lucky to have one another…a wanderer walking this earth, alone, it feels is, my destiny…wise enough to know the rich are miserable beings…the famous lost…lovers feeling alone, isolated…want to scream but a release would not be the gift…counting blessings…literally…grateful im aware of that necessary act that carries one from dark moment to the other…i do not like this pain in my heart…palpable…heavy as if buried by the weight of the sea…this day, it is harsh…wise enough to know it will pass…human enough to feel it’s pain scraping like nails across a chalkboard on my heart, my mind…grateful i know how to count….

what am i to learn…

i am well acquainted with darkness…the idea of death as a peaceful event…the majority of my life we walked side by side…as though twins-shadows of one another…darkness so dark it was akin to light…for me, that is…with this illness spreading throughout this earth like wild fire on the most windy of days, death now seems foreign to me and darkness is an entity from which I would like to be severed from…for now, at least…while i believe darkness to be a gift, it is a heavy gift to live with at the current moment…so i choose to learn…to become more acquainted with light and The Light…i choose to take this time…”sit” and get to know light…on an intimate level…one day the chaos of this will pass…i will welcome darkness back…but, in faith, i will carry with me light as well…both intimately…creating in me a more balanced being…for “I am a forest, and a night of dark trees: but he who is not afraid of my darkness, will find banks full of roses under my cypresses.” Friedrich Nietzsche Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Letting go of parts…

we can make a difference in this world…but first we have to let go of the roles that are not ours…bombarded by media, worries, time crunches, life demands and so much more, we become overwhelmed and see no light no hope…but if we step back and see that we are one part of a bigger picture…and we let go of the parts that are not ours, in faith, and truly focus and utilize our part/our gift…eventually, with time, there is progress and positive differences are made…one cannot do anything effectively and efficiently when one is playing multiple roles one was not designed for…it’s like a Monet painting…up close, it looks like just a bunch of random little swooshes…but take a step back…you begin to see how each swoosh is a part of this beautiful painting…and each swoosh is vital to the beauty of the painting…so breathe…let go…utilize your gift…start locally…there will be a time when you step back and you see and say “Aha! I see it now!”

1 Corinthians 12-27 – “The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up one whole body. So it is with the body of Christ. Some of us are Jews, some are Gentiles, some are slaves, and some are free. But we have all been baptized into one body by one Spirit, and we all share the same Spirit. Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. If the foot says, “I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,” that does not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear says, “I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,” would that make it any less a part of the body? If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything? But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. How strange a body would be if it had only one part! Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.” In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary. And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad. All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it.”


One Body with Many Parts: Taken from http://www.biblegateway.com

muddled

so many thoughts and emotions I can’t distinguish between them…muddled inside my entire being…that knot at the back of the throat…that need to cry…except, I can’t…at least not at this moment…so…a breath in…and an appreciation for the fact that I can cry…for about a decade I couldn’t…not wouldn’t…couldn’t…misdiagnosed and over medicated I was so numb…so exhausted…to cry ONE tear I would watch the saddest movies…but it was always only a tear that would surface…now that is misery…numbness doesn’t take emotions away…it simply hides them…hides them deep inside while the body feels the effects of them…fighting to be free but locked, in chains, to unmovable boulders created ages ago that have sprouted roots reaching the center of the earth…inter-twining and locking the boulder into place…so I will breathe and appreciate this muddled-ness…being able to feel…being able to cry like a baby who’s needs are not being met when even the sappiest of Disney commercials come on…to weep during sad movies…to weep when those muddled moments come I, randomly, can

my apologies…

I want to apologize for my last post under ‘Deep Thoughts’…first I want to clarify that, for me, ignorance is not stupidity nor an insult….it is simply a lack of education on a topic that can always be remedied by choosing to educate oneself…education does not always change your opinion…but from that point forward, you have true and solid backing for your belief…it’s your belief and not your family’s, the media’s, your peer’s…NOW, I want to apologize for my statement…as I observe the news, social media posts, people’s comments on politics I have come to the realization that the majority of citizens want the same thing: human rights, equal rights, peace and truth; yes, the balance of which or the definition of which is and always will be up for debate BUT for the most part we all lean towards the same goals…what is happening is we are caught up in the fight between parties, political system ideas/threats by those parties and people in power which is fueled by the media (do some research…most news outlets are owned by the same families and intertwine somehow with one another) and then the media bombards us 24/7 with their agenda…so, we get caught in the middle…fighting and taking sides when what needs to happen is we say NO…we do not give our energies to those in power, to those in the media…but we give our energies to one another and ask one another questions and LISTEN…and breathe, finding common ground and understanding…if we each step in that direction, like a domino effect as we continue to listen, talk, travel, grow, reach out with love we will start to see true change in this country that is not political party, political system or the rich/powerful related but is HUMAN (citizen) related…so my apologies for falling into that trap of fear and anger due to the hype of the media and politicians…let’s stop pointing fingers, being defensive, living in a state of fear…and start at home with change: listening, asking questions, finding common ground…let us see where that step takes us…it is like the lyric from the song Head Full of Doubt, Road Full of Promise by The Avette Brothers: “… and your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected…” because, it honestly doesn’t…love and peace to all💕