Category: Down the Rabbit Hole

Mental illness… Empathic sensations… Madness… Brilliance… I have no f*ng clue… But this is the journey or at least a small part of it.

…

I have to constantly remind myself of who I am… And who I am not… I live with quite a few health issues which zap my energy… I am always in a mode of conservation so that I am able to live a life of some quality and be something more than a chronic napper for my daughter… I deal with mental illness as well but that is not a hindrance to me anymore… I’ve found the right combination of meds, exercise and meditation to make me “normal” in that department… My physical health, though, is a rollercoaster ride… And it’s exhausting, humbling, degrading… I live in a world of doubts and doubters… Always questioning if “I am authentic in my illness”… Fortunately this doubt is not from my doctor and his team… They actually remind me that it isn’t made up and I’m not crazy… It comes from those around me… And… I’m just worn the fuck out, to be honest… I’m not sure why I am making this post except to get these feelings outside of myself… I hate this… I hate feeling like shit and pushing through anyways… I hate conservation mode… I hate being questioned about the legitimacy of how I feel… I hate that my entire being loves to work, be busy, be active, be with people but I simply cannot… I hate having to remind myself that this is real, that it’s ok, and that I am better… I hate that the plans I made for just my summer have been upended because of a new health issue brought on by the heat… I hate making plans because they tend to fall through… And I really really hate the doubters… I have enough on my plate without your constant skepticism and negativity…

And that’s how I feel… And it will pass… Because I have thick skin and I’m a fucking warrior… I will dust myself off… Hold tight to my faith… Remind myself of the progress… Find goodness in all things… And make new plans, again… And push on…

And I will recover one day… And, hopefully, bring comfort to others who are fighting the same fight… Not alone

… opening up

It’s both easy and difficult for me to open up to others… Easy because I’m an open book… I’ve got nothing to hide and willing to share… Difficult because I feel exposed and vulnerable… I struggle, after opening up, with a sort of guilt… Wishing I kept my darkness and my chaos to myself… Disgusted that I wasn’t strong enough to hold it all in and “deal”… I always find myself apologizing for burdening another…

It’s an unhealthy wish, but I wish I would just be quite and handle my darkness on my own

…a simple unrequited resolution

i want to matter… to have worth… worth that is real and not simply spoken… worth… caught in the crossfires of your stupidity, mistaken identity and a plea of “it is me”, a realization from you… inspiring change… change in you and changes in others… not simply words spoken… i want to live where i matter and where i am loved… loved in actions and not simply in words

an unrequited resolution…

a minute in the mind of darkness…

This is what living with mental illness feels like:

I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit. I want to quit.

I am not going to quit.

…count…

what in the hell am i doing here…a rollercoaster in my heart and a pinball machine in my head…the rich controlling the narrative of the world…the famous chanting them on…lovers lucky to have one another…a wanderer walking this earth, alone, it feels is, my destiny…wise enough to know the rich are miserable beings…the famous lost…lovers feeling alone, isolated…want to scream but a release would not be the gift…counting blessings…literally…grateful im aware of that necessary act that carries one from dark moment to the other…i do not like this pain in my heart…palpable…heavy as if buried by the weight of the sea…this day, it is harsh…wise enough to know it will pass…human enough to feel it’s pain scraping like nails across a chalkboard on my heart, my mind…grateful i know how to count….

what am i to learn…

i am well acquainted with darkness…the idea of death as a peaceful event…the majority of my life we walked side by side…as though twins-shadows of one another…darkness so dark it was akin to light…for me, that is…with this illness spreading throughout this earth like wild fire on the most windy of days, death now seems foreign to me and darkness is an entity from which I would like to be severed from…for now, at least…while i believe darkness to be a gift, it is a heavy gift to live with at the current moment…so i choose to learn…to become more acquainted with light and The Light…i choose to take this time…”sit” and get to know light…on an intimate level…one day the chaos of this will pass…i will welcome darkness back…but, in faith, i will carry with me light as well…both intimately…creating in me a more balanced being…for “I am a forest, and a night of dark trees: but he who is not afraid of my darkness, will find banks full of roses under my cypresses.” Friedrich Nietzsche Thus Spoke Zarathustra

muddled

so many thoughts and emotions I can’t distinguish between them…muddled inside my entire being…that knot at the back of the throat…that need to cry…except, I can’t…at least not at this moment…so…a breath in…and an appreciation for the fact that I can cry…for about a decade I couldn’t…not wouldn’t…couldn’t…misdiagnosed and over medicated I was so numb…so exhausted…to cry ONE tear I would watch the saddest movies…but it was always only a tear that would surface…now that is misery…numbness doesn’t take emotions away…it simply hides them…hides them deep inside while the body feels the effects of them…fighting to be free but locked, in chains, to unmovable boulders created ages ago that have sprouted roots reaching the center of the earth…inter-twining and locking the boulder into place…so I will breathe and appreciate this muddled-ness…being able to feel…being able to cry like a baby who’s needs are not being met when even the sappiest of Disney commercials come on…to weep during sad movies…to weep when those muddled moments come I, randomly, can