Words and Loneliness

I know this. I know that loneliness can be strong. Can appear when you’re surrounded and when you’re alone. Can appear suddenly in times of happiness. Like a tsunami bursting through the peace and rest of the night. Tranquility. Turning all to chaos and stealing beings from their slumber. Replacing them with sadness. Loneliness can swallow you. Anchor you deep into darkness.

I know this too. That loneliness is lifted by time spent in God’s Word. Not just in prayer but in His Words. Turning to Him. Talking with Him. Listening to Him. His Word holds many Treasures.

I am so grateful for His Word. Brings me life. His Life. Light.

Another Being

Sometimes the loneliness I feel is so strong it seems as though it is another being in and of itself… Tied to me… So strong it seems like my soul is reaching out and has already found my other half before the rest of me has and is saying “he’s right there…he’s right there”…

But… I’m not sure I believe in soulmates and other halves anymore…

Where I’ve been has not been of The Light… That wonderment and excitement at the idea of another half, my half, my partner has diminished… Not extinguished…

So in an effort to keep that beautiful hope alive and inextinguishable… I will wait… Wait on The Light…

I’d rather feel the lonely and be alone than be with another and have the wonderment and excitement extinguished…

A Prayer Please

To anyone who reads this, I ask for a prayer for veterans. Very close to me, one is struggling. In complete darkness but trying to reach for the light.

They need our prayers. You may know a veteran but you most likely will not know the darkness and sadness they carry. Pray for them. Be kind to them.

To the soldier coming home. Please be aware of the darkness that may come. It’s ok. Don’t be ashamed of the darkness. Just breathe and reach out for help. Keep reaching until you find that hand that will grab ahold and help you through.

Please

Me II

Me

I hate. Me. I hate being me. No one is perfect but I am the most imperfect of all.

Unheard Unseen

With interruptions and snap assumptions, I realize most do not know me. Know who I am. People close to me. Family. Close friends. An idea of me has been formed and cemented in their minds. I can speak words but am not heard. I behave as me. I can grow. I can change. I allow Him to refine and strengthen my roots and branches. But the idea of me formed in my darkness is what others forever see. And; it is okay.

I just hope and pray that I do not do the same to others. True self unheard and unseen can be lonely. I don’t want others to feel alone because of me.

Battle of Body and Spirit

A tug of war between body and spirit. A flare up. Triggered by stress. Most who live with a chronic illness know these moments well. Painful and nauseating. Heightened emotions. The only remedy is rest. But my spirit wants to do yoga, jog, create some kind of art and enjoy the cloudy skies outside. These are difficult moments. What I want to give, to do, is vastly more than what I am capable of doing. It ways heavily on my mental state. If I don’t literally give myself permission to rest, it is a very difficult day.

And today is a back and forth, tug of war, battle between permission to rest and get up/push through the sickness.

Patience

Sarah was impatient… Look at what it caused… Moses was impatient… Look at what it cost him… I was impatient… Creating a life of pain and chaos… Delaying God’s plan for me… The Lord is worthy of patience… He is also the source of strength as you wait… I will wait… I prefer His plans, His path for me, over mine… I make messes… He creates beauty

Do Over

I was laying by my daughter as she was sleeping… Found myself wishing for a ‘do over’… I knew exactly the moment in time I wanted it to begin… A ‘do over’… To prevent all the crap my choices put us through that brought us to now… Not that now is bad… We both fought for now… But the fight was unnecessary due to my choices… As I lay there envisioning my ‘do over’… I began to picture changing things… And trying to prevent the struggles of others…

That’s when I realized… A would screw up my ‘do over’… Creating the same mistakes I did before… Trying to ease the pain and prevent the struggling of others… More specifically those who do not want help or are not ready for help… Slowly but surely leading the path of the last decade of mine and my daughter’s life right back to another request for a ‘do over’…

No ‘do over’ please… Someone else can have that… I’m ready to move forward… Living off the lessons I learned from that decade… Ask God first and if I move always with Him, then all steps are of Light and forward movement… Surround myself with kindness and positivity… Choose joy over sadness… Some days it is a constant choice while others joy flows with ease… To not attach myself to a sinking ship or be a soldier in a war that is not mine… And to KNOW that it is okay… I was not created to save every sinking ship or fight every war… I was created to live the path God paved for me… And I need to stop getting in the way of that.

Were, are, and will be

I do not care who you were… I care who you are and who you will choose to be tomorrow.

In saying that, if you were a liar, a manipulator, unethical, an abuser, thrived on hurting others, fueled by hate then it will take time to rebuild trust… Trust is a fragile, delicate and precious thing.

Forgiveness is a given… But the scars of the fall in trust etch themselves deep… They take a very long time to heal.

However, please do not be deterred… Come… Let’s move forward, slowly and cautiously (for a true successful rebuilding of the relationship), together.