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Reframe…

I have social anxiety and random bouts struggling with agoraphobia….but I absolutely love people, the outside world, interacting with others. I have sensory deprivation issues where it can be so extreme that the sound of my own eating really gets on my nerves, I gag with a small bite of carrot cake in my mouth (too many different textures) or I find pork rotten because I’m sensitive to the adrenaline released at the time of death of an animal in fear… but I love music and the sense of hearing, the way a good dry piece of roast tastes in my mouth and if you took the carrot cake apart, all of those ingredients are simply divine and must be savored with your eyes closed and a moan of “this flavor is beyond heaven”. I have clinical depression and at times it seems debilitating and like it will be the death of me…but without it I could never see the true beauty of life, I would never see the light and how pure and peaceful it is. Without these dark parts of my life, I would never be the abstract thinker who falls in love with life, kind/honest/quirky people, nature, and the teachings of Jesus the way I’ve been blessed and privileged to fall in love. What you might feel is a burden in your life, may actually be your greatest blessing. Take a breath and reframe it. Then give thanks for that beautiful curse that’s truly your own unique gift.

Idealism:Unrealistic

Capitalism is a good thing. It’s just corrupt and ignorant. However, you still have CHOICE. Desire for socialism? You are the ignorant. The corrupt is still in charge. Your choice: GONE. Side note: Norwegian countries aren’t socialism. They are a combo of political systems. If you want to refer to these countries as ideal…get your facts straight. Socialism – looks great on paper, but in practice it is not ideal and unrealistic.

Twitter writer…anyone?

If politicians have speech writers, they should also have twitter writers. It is too easy to type fast and hit post in the heat of the moment. They hold important public offices and should be held to a higher level of standard with what they put out on social media. All parties. Also, if it takes 100 questions to break-up with Facebook, a politician should be asked 100 times if the post should be posted. “Have you calmed down?” “Have you thought this through?” “Have you talked this post over with ANYONE besides your bff or groupie?” “Post? Are you sure?” “Are you REALLY sure?”

Just take a step…forward

How? How do you move through life…making choices…trying to be better…do better…when you’ve lost a decade…how do you trust your steps when the trust you had in everything and everyone had been stripped from you…without your consent…How? you look back…and you see…see God in those moments…see God carrying you through because through is where you’ve been…you’ve been in the fire…and you can see, now, that He carried you through…so you breathe…hold tight to faith in Him…and then you take a step…forward💖

Unknown…

There are days I feel intense sadness…I feel it deep in my heart, my gut…a lump at the back of my throat so intense…and I know it is not my pain…it is someone elses sadness…an unknown…real, strong, heart broken sadness…I know it’s not mine…but I pray that my feeling it lifts at least a little of the pain of the unknown who is in the midst of it…

Raising the last white flag…

I’m done…I cannot keep going…I have tried everything…everything…and I pray all the time and study His word…but I must be missing something that I’m supposed to be grasping or doing because I get worse and I am more of a burden…I have nothing to offer…I’m not going suicidal…but I am exhausted…very literally in all aspects except, ironically, my mental illness…which was the battle for the longest time…I fought it so hard I believe I wore my body down…and with that, my spirit…so I’m done…done with the routine daily life shit, like eating, taking my meds, pretending to be okay and letting everyone believe that I believe their bullshit lies when they smile and say “you’re not a burden” “you’re not worthless”…because fact is that I’m too tired to work…how pathetic is that…and there isn’t much money…so I’m done because I’m broken beyond repair and the sadness is stronger than what’s left of my desire to live