muddled

so many thoughts and emotions I can’t distinguish between them…muddled inside my entire being…that knot at the back of the throat…that need to cry…except, I can’t…at least not at this moment…so…a breath in…and an appreciation for the fact that I can cry…for about a decade I couldn’t…not wouldn’t…couldn’t…misdiagnosed and over medicated I was so numb…so exhausted…to cry ONE tear I would watch the saddest movies…but it was always only a tear that would surface…now that is misery…numbness doesn’t take emotions away…it simply hides them…hides them deep inside while the body feels the effects of them…fighting to be free but locked, in chains, to unmovable boulders created ages ago that have sprouted roots reaching the center of the earth…inter-twining and locking the boulder into place…so I will breathe and appreciate this muddled-ness…being able to feel…being able to cry like a baby who’s needs are not being met when even the sappiest of Disney commercials come on…to weep during sad movies…to weep when those muddled moments come I, randomly, can